Once in a great while, the movie-going and tv-watching public is graced with an actor so brilliant (or so godawful) that his legend cannot be contained in one character. So this week, we start with the ultimate nerd showdown: Harrison Ford vs. himself. Specifically, which character is more full of WIN: Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Five rounds determine the answer:
Round 1: Badassery.
One of the only characters in modern cinema that would be able to show up Han Solo in a game of badassery would be Indiana Jones. So let us first review the epic ownage of Indy. At most recent count, Indy has punched, killed, incapacitated, and generally humiliated thousands upon thousands of Nazis, if not the entire Third Reich. Well, there may not be a specific number to go off of, but Dr. Jones foiled not only der Führer's dreams of immortality, but kept him from harnessing the power of the Ark of the Covenant (imagine what a slap in the face
that would have been to the Jews). And come on, you have to admire the cojones of a man who would show up to a party looking like this, and keep a straight face:
So it would take a great deal of skill to best Indiana Jones. Luckily, Han Solo has mad skillz in spades. If you thought it took balls to infiltrate the Nazi regime, it requires a truly remarkable pair of testicles to smuggle spices for Jabba the Hutt under the very nose of the Empire. While Indy only has to contend with one foe per film, Han has to elude the capture of the clumsy yet lethal Imperial forces while still avoiding bounty hunters intent on a handsome reward. (Oh yes, Han is one handsome reward all right.)
Back on topic, Han has to multitask while still thinking of inventive ways to help out the sometimes hapless Rebels. Where would the Rebellion be if he hadn't saved Luke's whiny ass on the Death Star trench run in
A New Hope? How would the Rebels and Luke have fared if he hadn't cleverly unwrapped that Tauntaun's innards like an early Christmas present for his fallen Jedi comrade? And shit, even when he was
blind, Han managed to dispatch the dreaded Boba Fett into the Sarlacc pit, guaranteeing that Kiwi-accented bounty hunter decades of digestive torture. And let us not forget he shot Greedo in the freaking face before that green, bugeyed little fuckwad could even flinch. (Yes, Han shot first. Don't argue. It's useless.) And while Indy's primary weapon, the bullwhip, can serve many badass functions, there's just no match for a good blaster at your side.
Round 1 winner: Han. Score: Indy (0) - Han (1).
Round 2: Chix.
In order to properly assess the category, one must take into account both quality
and quantity when it comes to the women of Harrison Ford. Let us pick up where we left off, with Han's badassery, as it leads to this very topic: Leia. It takes a lot of gall to think that a lowly Corellian smuggler like Han Solo could ever snag a Princess, and a gorgeous, clever one at that. But in the first two movies, Han uses his trademark cockiness and charm to seduce one of the Rebels' greatest weapons. And nothing says WIN quite like the "I love you" -- "I know" sequence that caps off the sexual tension of
The Empire Strikes Back. But unfortunately, it is a downward spiral from there. Han spends a great deal of
Return of the Jedi sulking about in a forest filled with poorly-outfitted CareBears, wasting possible ass-kicking time on guilt-tripping Leia about her concern for Luke. (Though I would likely sulk too if the chick I dig kissed her brother.) In the novels after the film, which I can't bring myself to read (but dutifully Wookieepedia'd), they get married and punch out a bunch of kids. One of which is a Sith. So in the long run, Han does not come out on top. Pun mildly intended.
In contrast to Han's monogamy, Indy's trilogy -- I like to pretend
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is an elaborate hoax -- sees so many different women, you would start to think it's a grittier, actually watchable James Bond movie, sans crappy puns.
Raiders of the Lost Ark features Marion Ravenwood, who can run a Tibetan bar and wear an elaborate white dress in the Sahara with equal aplomb. She is one of the only fictional Lucasfilm women who would be able to own Leia in a barfight. Plus one for Indy. But then we have an entire film filled with the soothing sound of Kate Capshaw's incessant shrieking; a
Temple of Doom indeed. I've heard more pleasant crooning in the torture scenes in
Alias. So minus one for Indy. So Dr. Jones's chix issue becomes make-or-break with the
The Last Crusade's love interest, the Austrian archaeologist Dr. Ilsa Schneider. A welcome relief from Kate Capshaw's screaming fits, Ilsa doesn't wet her pants at the sight of rats or have a Southern belle fainting spell at the mention of danger. Unfortunately, this fearlessness stems from her being a Nazi. It's rare, though, that anyone can get the better of not one, but two, Dr. Joneses, and she does meet with a deservedly sticky end.
Round 2 winner: Indy. Score: Indy (1) - Han (1).
Round 3: Friends.
We all get by with a little help from our friends; even the most flawless iteration of Harrison Ford wouldn't be able to go it alone. In the first and last movie of the Indiana Jones trilogy, our favorite archaeologist is aided in his quests by University colleague Marcus Brody and the Cairo-based Sallah. (Wait, do the films actually ever explain what Sallah does for a living? Does he have a 9-5?) Sallah is pretty damn helpful; not only can he dig for the Well of Souls, but he can even barter for camels and horses at the very last minute to attack a Nazi onslaught in the desert. (Although his brother-in-law is going to be PISSED about those camels.) Marcus Brody, on the other hand, is a well-meaning but hapless fellow who wouldn't recognize a Nazi assassin if he walked up to him and said "Guten Tag!" Both Marcus Brody and Sallah, are absent, though, from
Temple of Doom, so Indy is forced to pal around with this lucky little small fry (above). Come on Indy, couldn't you at least chill with someone your own age? It's only a matter of time before Benson and Stabler bust down your door and start asking some tough questions.
It isn't that hard, then, to best Indy when it comes to the friendship question; but even if Dr. Jones had some really enviable BFFs, he would not be able to best Han Solo's posse. Han's strength lies specifically in one very loyal, very strong, very statuesque walking carpet: Chewbacca. Nothing says BFF quite like having a seven-foot-tall warrior owing you a life debt. It is especially convenient to have a friend so powerful and violent that he would rip off his opponent's arms if he lost at chess. Chewy can repair droids, fly the Millennium Falcon, choke a very douchey Lando Calrissian, and give quite the bearhug. Yes, this is someone you want to have at your slumber party. It also doesn't hurt that Han's other best friend is the last surviving Jedi in the galaxy.
Round 3 winner: Han. Score: Indy (1) - Han (2).
Round 4: Enemies.
Perhaps even more important than your friends are your enemies, and both Han and Indy face off against some terrifying foes. While the Empire is an insanely powerful military force, what they have in quantity, they certainly lack in quality. Stupidity seems endemic to the Empire no matter the rank. From the the stormtroopers who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn to the moron Star Destroyer commander who arrogantly crows "Our first catch of the day!" before promply being incapacitated by an ion cannon above Hoth, the Empire is not renowned for its tactics and strategy. The only smart, formidable villain in the Imperial Forces is a black-clad asthmatic with a grudge and a flair for drama. Han could use an entire garrison of stormtroopers just for target practice, or even order them to do the cancan in their underwear. And those dumb sods, rather than question it, would just say "where's the boombox?"
Indy, however, has bigger fish to fry than some plastic-clad losers with a penchant for unquestioning obedience. In not one, but two films, he must square off against the most recognizably evil villains of the 20th century: the Nazis. While their aim is no better than an Imperial stormtrooper's, at least their higher-ups have a few smarts. Ilsa Schneider is able to play both Indy and his father like a freaking Mozart piece, and through her cleverness, nearly succeeds in attaining the Holy Grail. (Austrians do love their Mozart.) And while the Nazis are very obviously evil, it is those they recruit that turn out to be the most dangerous. In
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy's longtime French rival Belloq turns to his German neighbors in his single-minded quest to unearth the Ark of the Covenant; in
The Last Crusade, that rich American dude reveals himself to be a dirty turncoat and shoots Sean Connery. No one, and I mean no one, can get away with shooting Sean Connery. We don't even have to get into the Kali cult from
Temple of Doom; it doesn't get more evil than ritual human sacrifice and child enslavement.
Round 4 winner: Indy. Score: Indy (2) - Han (2).
Round 5 tiebreaker: Day job.
Yes, watching the exploits of our Harrison Ford heroes is a thrilling venture. But what do they do when they're not busy kicking the shit out of rival archaeologists and dispatching TIE fighters? Dr. Jones spends his days teaching at Marshall College, doing his best to avoid the swarm of coeds who wouldn't mind doing some digging of their own at Indy's geological sites. It is clear that Dr. Jones isn't too fond of his role as an educator; his lectures are only slightly more thrilling than reruns of the Antiques Roadshow, and it takes him months to actually grade a paper or exam. Plus, he is stuck with goofy glasses that would make Harry Potter blush.
Then, we have Han Solo, whose day at the office looks like this. Han's smuggling career takes him traveling to the farthest reaches of the galaxy with his best friend, while sticking it to the clueless Imperial forces he constantly evades. This is the man whose job allowed him the creativity to discover how to do the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. Sure, there are more occupational hazards with smuggling than with teaching; if you dump your cargo at the first sign of trouble, you will have a bounty hunter that will want to drop your lifeless body on Jabba the Hutt's doorstep. There's a lot more excitement in intragalactic smuggling, though, than sitting on your ass with a cushy tenure at Marshall U. And instead of having to deal with the morning commute, Han pilots the Millennium Falcon. The MILLENNIUM FALCON. It is clear who wins this round.
Round 5 winner: Han. Final score: Indy (2) - Han (3).
Great, kid. Now don't get cocky.
We all get by with a little help from our friends; even the most flawless iteration of Harrison Ford wouldn't be able to go it alone. In the first and last movie of the Indiana Jones trilogy, our favorite archaeologist is aided in his quests by University colleague Marcus Brody and the Cairo-based Sallah. (Wait, do the films actually ever explain what Sallah does for a living? Does he have a 9-5?) Sallah is pretty damn helpful; not only can he dig for the Well of Souls, but he can even barter for camels and horses at the very last minute to attack a Nazi onslaught in the desert. (Although his brother-in-law is going to be PISSED about those camels.) Marcus Brody, on the other hand, is a well-meaning but hapless fellow who wouldn't recognize a Nazi assassin if he walked up to him and said "Guten Tag!" Both Marcus Brody and Sallah, are absent, though, from Temple of Doom, so Indy is forced to pal around with this lucky little small fry (above). Come on Indy, couldn't you at least chill with someone your own age? It's only a matter of time before Benson and Stabler bust down your door and start asking some tough questions.
It isn't that hard, then, to best Indy when it comes to the friendship question; but even if Dr. Jones had some really enviable BFFs, he would not be able to best Han Solo's posse. Han's strength lies specifically in one very loyal, very strong, very statuesque walking carpet: Chewbacca. Nothing says BFF quite like having a seven-foot-tall warrior owing you a life debt. It is especially convenient to have a friend so powerful and violent that he would rip off his opponent's arms if he lost at chess. Chewy can repair droids, fly the Millennium Falcon, choke a very douchey Lando Calrissian, and give quite the bearhug. Yes, this is someone you want to have at your slumber party. It also doesn't hurt that Han's other best friend is the last surviving Jedi in the galaxy.
