Top Ten Hottest Fictional Men, As Compiled With Yanna

As I haven't posted in two months, it seemed only appropriate that I re-begin with something as trivial as possible: a completely arbitrary ranking of fictional characters based on my own bizarre personal preferences. Give me credit, at least, for the bounty of evidence I provide for each. The list is sub-divided into four categories, for a semblance of order: books, TV, film, and animated characters. Yanna and I were both a bit surprised at the high volume of hand-drawn hotties, but we think that our results are accurate and conclusive. As literature is technically the most cerebral, intellectual category I can start with, we'll begin with the absolute hottest characters ever committed to page. Ladies, enjoy, and Yanna, rejoice.

Literary Lady-killers

1. Grigoriy Alexsandrovich Pechorin (A Hero Of Our Time by Mikhail Lermontov, 1841). England, keep your Heathcliffes and Rochesters. France, save Edmond Dantès and...whoever else you've got. Because Russia is the true bastion of fictional male hotness, and this is epitomized in Pechorin. Oh sure, there are other hopefuls -- Count Vronsky from Anna Karenina, Prince Andrei from War and Peace, Eugene Onegin, the list goes on -- but Pechorin is the fucking shit. He is rash, impulsive, brilliant, nonchalant, nihilistic, remote, cold, manipulative, and rarely gives a shit about anyone but himself. He is the baddest of the bad boys, and that is sexy. Not only does he kill a guy in a duel, but he manipulates the circumstances so he is guaranteed a win. Callous, and hot. Perhaps others would find Pechorin's remoteness, broodiness, and cruelty repulsive, but sometimes that irrepressible rebelliousness and savagery can be undeniably attractive. (See: 3. Northman, Eric.)

2. Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, 1813). I tried my best to avoid this most obvious choice, but Mr. Darcy's appearance on this list is inevitable. We all know it, I'm just admitting it. As anyone who has ever read or seen Pride and Prejudice will know, Mr. Darcy is an uptight pompous prick. At least at first. But he reveals that his dickishness is all just an act, to hide his true feelings for Elizabeth. Perhaps what appeals to every woman about Mr. Darcy is that we all secretly hope that the objects of our affections ignore us or treat us meanly because they, like, actually love us. He's the boy in kindergarten that kicked you in the shins at recess or put glue in your hair because he liked you. Note, however, that little Billy McKindergarten was not an aristocratic landowner with a stunning estate that occupies a good chunk of the north of England. Authors the world over would exploit the Darcy template for years to come; Darcys abound in everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Angel) to Twilight (Edward Cullen). But, don't blame Jane Austen for the Twilight pussy sparklevamp fiasco. That Stephenie Meyer would exploit Austen's hottest creation to appease hormone-riddled tweens isn't Jane's fault.


Small-Screen Sexiness

3. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard, True Blood, HBO, 2008). Technically, Eric can be classified under both TV and literature, but we can all agree that the Sookie Stackhouse novels, while a fun read, won't be taught to unappreciative high-schoolers in a hundred years. Anyway, let us review Eric. Ever since Bram Stoker's publication of Dracula in the late 19th century, ladies the world over have devoted themselves to worshipping the hotness of vampires. There have been so many delicious vamps; runners-up Angel and Spike from Buffy come to mind especially. What makes Eric the best of all is that he is a Viking vampire. A fucking VIKING I say. Even when he was alive, he could annihilate those lame Cullens with his Viking ship and battle-axe and whatnot. The current generation of Broody McEyebrows vamps (see Twilight and Vampire Diaries) would piss their pants at the very sight of him, if they had bodily functions. Eric exudes power, masculinity, authority, virility, and badassery with even the slightest facial expression. Also in his favor: black racer-back tank tops, and that scene with Sookie in Book Four. Find it online, it's worth the spoiler. Man it is going to be a long nine months without True Blood; damn you HBO.

4. Horatio Hornblower (Ioan Gruffudd, the Horatio Hornblower miniseries, A&E, 1998-2003). I'm sorry ladies, but you don't know hotness until you see Horatio kick some French ass in the face of impossible odds. Horatio Hornblower is a miniseries adapted from a truly yawn-inducing set of books by Englishman C.S. Forester. (I tried to read them in the vain hope that Horatio's hotness would translate to the page, but after the umpteenth mention of hard tack, Lord Nelson, and Napoleon, one loses patience.) The series follows young officer Horatio Hornblower from his beginnings in the Royal Navy at the outset of the Napoleonic Wars to his first command. Considering the societal notions of propriety at the time, the miniseries finds Horatio removing his shirt rather often, usually to do something heroic like dive underwater to check for hull damage or put out a fire on deck. This culminates in a nude deck shower in 2001's "Mutiny." Even clothed, however, Horatio fully deserves to make this list. In 1998's "The Examination for Lieutenant," for example, he single-handedly saves most of the English fleet on a break from a test. All the rest of us could accomplish on an exam break would be smoking a cigarette. I could go on listing Horatio's episodes of heroic hotness, but it would take all night. In the interest of expedience, take my word for it that Horatio Hornblower deserves to be on the list. And Netflix the miniseries; you won't be disappointed. (The early ones are great, but I find the 2001 "Mutiny"/"Retribution" story to be the most engaging and character-driven. Plus, it features runner-up Apollo from BSG.)

Film Foxes

5. Han Solo and Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Star Wars Episodes IV and V and the Indiana Jones trilogy, respectively). In spite of the fact that my only previous post on this blog served to highlight their differences, it was too difficult to pick which Harrison Ford leading man is the hottest. After all, Han and Indy both share a certain irreverence, a penchant for rule-breaking, ruggedness, smugness, and disrespect for authority. And, most importantly, a sense of badassery. Nothing says attractive quite like downing TIE fighters with an arrogant smirk, or shooting an overly-elaborate Arab swordsman in the chest. Whether he is slicing open Tauntauns or punching Nazis in the face, the 1970s/80s incarnations of Harrison Ford are a watershed for cinematic male hotness. **Author's Note: the discerning reader will notice that both Return of the Jedi and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull were left off this list. The first was disqualified due to Han's general wussification, farting around Endor letting Care Bears do his dirty work. The second is omitted because Indy looked approximately nine years older than that knight at the end of Last Crusade.**

6. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, 2003). Though he was still scrumptious in those godforsaken sequels (he was really their only redeeming quality), the first Pirates film really encapsulates Captain Jack's hotness. Like almost every other man on this list, Jack has a penchant for rule-breaking, but the difference is his specific manner of insubordination. He lulls his unsuspecting adversaries --  Commodore Snorrington, Dillweed Turner, Squiddy McTentacles, Lord Cutler Mr. Collins, to name a few -- into a false sense of security before setting into motion a brilliant, elaborate plan. Just when they think he is cornered, marooned, even dead, Jack comes back in fighting form with more than a few witticisms in tow. Underestimate Captain Jack as a rum-swilling do-nothing at your own peril. Some Jack detractors (how do they exist?) think he is unsuitable for lists such as these because he is not interested in the ladyfolk. Obviously this is untrue, given Keira Knightley, the Orbitz gum pirate wench and her cohort, but he is certainly the 18th-century equivalent of metro. If I had to guess, I think our Jacky is bi, and ain't nothin' wrong with that. In conclusion, if Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Hand-Drawn Hotties

7. Dimitri (voiced by John Cusack, Anastasia, 1997). In an inevitable turn of events, another Russian appears on the list: Dimitri from the 1997 20th Century Fox film Anastasia. Like Pechorin, he's quite the Russian bad boy: he spends the majority of the movie running a long con to deceive both Anastasia and her grandmother, for a payoff, naturally. Going after grandma is almost as cold as cheating at a duel, and man does it make Dimitri hot. The difference between Dimitri and Pechorin, though, is that Dimitri is a reformed bad boy, who refuses thousands of roubles and his dignity to win back the princess. At some point, I think we've all secretly wanted to be that one girl who can inspire a boy to be a man, an asshole to be a nice guy. Of course in real life, this never happens. People change only if they want to, and trying to mold someone into your ideal will never work. (College is chock-full of these life lessons, I've found.) Anyway, Dimitri appeals to this naive hope, and plus, he is voiced by John Cusack. And is muscular. And Russian. Screw anachronism, Dimitri is hot.

8. Aladdin (self-explanatory). Oh, Aladdin. You were the first one to teach my five-year-old heart love. Or at least, how to crush on someone/something that isn't real, which is a lesson still to be unlearned. I dare any girl in our generation to say they didn't have a crush on Aladdin. Fuck, I'll even give them three wishes, because I know it is impossible not to love Aladdin. Besides the obvious appeal of the rags-to-riches tale (and his open vest, natch) the root of Aladdin's hotness is his smarts. What is great about Aladdin is that he is clever, quick on his feet, and won't take no for an answer. Starving and poor? Steal from a douchebag, and give half your meal to a hungry street urchin. In love with the unattainable princess? Win her heart not with the aid of a genie, but with honesty, perseverance, and cleverness. Giant magical serpent killing your buzz? Taunt it into submssion. His unique mix of wit and determination is what makes Aladdin stand out amongst most of the other stable of Disney men. Ladies, I think we can agree that if a genie were to grant us three wishes, our first order of business would be to make Aladdin real.

9. Captain Shang (voiced by B.D. Wong and Donny Osmond, Mulan, 1998). There are many things that justify Captain Shang's presence on this list. His buffness, fighting prowess, and strict authority are all crucial qualifiers. But my favorite quality about Captain Shang is that he's a feminist, and that is sexy. It isn't enough that his entire regiment's collective asses are saved by Mulan; it's that he actually believes in her. Sure, he is beyond pissed when he finds out she was lying to him about being a woman, but let us remember he was probably in a state of massive sexual confusion at that point. What is important is that he can man up, put aside his frustration, and let Mulan call the shots when the Emperor is captured. Rather than whine and bitch and be in denial about how a chick is doing better than him, he appreciates Mulan's strengths and respects her. They become a perfect team. To me, at least, this is the ideal relationship that Disney ought to always sell; it sure beats the prince-and-damsel meme. Also, bonus points because when I IMDb'd this tonight, I discovered that the voice actor is none other than Dr. Huang from SVU. Considering that crime procedural is my favorite TV comfort food, B.D. Wong's involvement with Captain Shang makes me do a happy dance, and cancels out any mention of crapness from Donny Osmond's involvement.

10. The Beast (Beauty and the Beast, 1991). I was twelve years old when my little sister was born. As she started to grow, she naturally started to watch Disney movies, and I got to watch along with her. As a (quasi) grown-up, I saw a lot of things the second time around that I didn't see the first. Peter Pan's insane racism, Dumbo's very obvious acid trip, and Pinocchio's moralizing come to mind. But what I noticed most significantly was the insane hotness of the Beast. "But," you might say, "he's covered in fur and has fucking horns." I implore you to be like Belle and look past the Beast's appearances, to see the hotness lurking within. First, there's that temper. Then, there's the constant self-sacrifice. But what I love about the Beast is that no matter how many wolves he kills or big-chinned Frenchmen he throws off of cliffs, he's just a big ol' softie at heart. The scene where he gives Belle the library, the moment that he fucks up on eating the porridge, when he gives Belle the mirror -- it's impossible not to swoon a bit. I always am a little disappointed when he turns back into a human at the end; there's no way he can have that wonderful mix of badassery and sweetness if he doesn't have horns. But if Belle's happy, then I'm happy. (Another surprise about voice acting: I never knew this, but Lumiere was voiced by Law and Order vet Jerry Orbach. Perhaps Disney requires indentured servitude in the form of animated films before actors can move on to crime procedural franchises?)

Honorable mentions:  

Rhett Butler (Gone With The Wind), Angel and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Simba (The Lion King), Helo and Apollo (Battlestar Galactica), Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl), Heath Ledger's Gabriel Martin (The Patriot), Sawyer (Lost), John Smith (the Disney Pocahontas), and Cillian Murphy's Jim (28 Days Later..). Google Image to your heart's content.